Chaos in the Kitchen

This is nothing exciting. It was meant for yesterday, but then my internet went out and I couldn't post. This is about last night's dinner...

For lunch, I am eating an original concoction and hoping it doesn't give me food poisoning. It tastes good, though, and I'm pretty sure it's cooked well enough.

Sometimes I think it's fun to just throw some stuff in a pan and make something up. My roommate came in while I was cooking and said it smelled good. I told her I hoped so, because I was basically just throwing stuff in a pan. So here's what I did:

*Boiled a cup of rice in two cups of water
*Hacked up a zucchini and stir-fried that mother in sunflower oil and Kikoman's sauce
*Dumped the rice in on top of the zucchini
*Cracked 2 eggs and dumped them on top of everything else
*Fried everything for at least 7-8 minutes to make sure the eggs got well done
*Stuck a bowlful in the microwave for 2 minutes to just make extra sure the eggs were done (I tend to be more than a little phobic of undercooked food.)

Now I'm eating it, and it has a nice, mild flavor and thick texture. I like it because I'm getting a full serving of vegetables, whole grains, and protein. Also, all these ingredients are really close to the earth for those looking to avoid a lot of preservatives (I know I used some Kikoman's for flavoring, but it was moderate.) In fact, the eggs I bought here are so fresh they actually have feathers on them (which freaks me out a little bit... I always try to pick the one with the fewest feathers possible, which is ridiculous because by the end of the dozen I'm still going to have to use the ones with feathers.)

Anyway, so that was fun and creative, and now I've had a healthy lunch. Everyone go have fun in the kitchen now! :)

Slowly open.

I didn't know what I was going to get into tonight, because I'm basically in a country where I still know next to no one and nothing. I've gone out the past two nights, but tonight I decided to stay put. My roommate was generous enough to give me permission to use her colored pencils, so I bought a sketchbook today at the store. I've spent the evening loafing, listening to classical music, and drawing. (This will have a point by the end, I promise.)

First, I was thinking about autumn at home, the leaves changing colors, the way the sky always looks more deeply blue in October. I googled images of West Virginia in autumn, and I decided to draw that. I started just by working at the blue of the sky. I was ready to start working on trees and leaves when I looked down and saw a picture of a tulip on my journal. All of a sudden I didn't want to draw mountains and trees anymore. I wanted to draw a tulip. So I used the same background I was using; it made a perfect sky, and went on to draw a tulip. I started out working on one thing, changed directions, wound up doing something else, but... no time was wasted.

It's a strange notion to me that if we start working at one thing and change directions, change our minds, that the time was wasted. Perhaps it's presumptuous of someone in her 20's to say so, but I think that's part of the reason mid-life crises are such a big deal. You have a person in their 40s, 50s, and all of a sudden, what they've been doing the last 20 or 30 years isn't what they want to do anymore. We say they just never knew who they were, never figured out what they wanted. But who says growth has to stop, that at a certain age, a certain point in our lives we have to decide what we want to do and continue down that path unhesitatingly until we retire? That doesn't compute to me. I think with all the infinite possibilities of the human mind it's only natural to want to continue probing our potential. I mean, who doesn't know someone who's changed careers half way through their lives? It doesn't mean that what they did before doesn't matter anymore. Maybe they were just painting coloring in their sky before and suddenly realized they wanted to fill it with something else. Or maybe they want a whole new sky, and why not?

I suppose I lean toward this type of thinking because I've been all over the place myself. I'm studying Spanish now. I'm sitting in my apartment in Spain, waiting for classes to start on Monday. But I still believe everything leading up to this point, even and perhaps especially the stuff that seems like it had nothing to do with me coming here, mattered. We have seasons. The rest of winter is important to the growth of spring and summer.

Idk, I'm everywhere with this tonight. But even though I don't have a conclusion, I enjoyed sitting here and thinking. Maybe the fact that I did will yield a future result, maybe not. Sometimes there aren't any conclusions, and it's enough to just exist and be part of a mystery, not forcing it to unfold too quickly.

Thoughts on International Peace Day and Day of Unconditional Love Day over Lunch

I haven't done much today. In fact, I have yet to get dressed or take a shower. I wrote for about two hours this morning,and now I'm having a sandwich and some orange juice and so thought I might as well write some more.

So yesterday I saw some posts online about International Peace Day and Day of Unconditional Love, which basically seem to be about the same thing to me. It seems to be just about awareness of humans' sensitivity to and need for love and non-judgment. What strikes me most about this is that we still need "Days" for these things. It seems so obvious to me. Of course everyone longs for love and freedom from judgment. What confuses me is when and why people refuse or fail to give these simple things. And yet, it's what we do...

(When I say "you" in the next paragraphs, I don't mean you personally or cumulatively, this is not accusatory, just the most natural way for me to write this.)

Maybe you meet someone and it's your instinct to like them, (because I think that's the most instinctual thing... to naturally like the people you meet) but then your social circle disapproves and you shun the person, even though you really connected, even though you enjoyed their company initially. Now you're without a person who you enjoyed yourself with, but you still have your entire old circle. How does that circle of friends make you feel? Are they really your friends, or just people who you hang out with? I don't think it's enough to just run around with people; people need something that ties them together. Do you miss the conversations you had with the friend you turned away from? How do you think your friend feels? I feel like this is a pretty common situation, that folks turn their back on someone for fear-based reasons, afraid to lose the comfort of old approval. And I just wonder how much more peace and how much more love we could all let in and create if we just let the need for approval go, or if we gave and received approval without the prerequisite of conformity. It just strikes me as sad that we are all so desperate for love (and don't let yourself say you aren't, because even if you have real love in your life already, you're still desperate... because if that love left... you'd be miserable... we just weren't set up to be this high-functioning need-no-one individuals that society seems to tell us we should be) and yet so full of the love that everyone around us needs so desperately. Why do we hoard our love? Let it go...

The illustration at the top of this post is a representation of the heart chakra, and whether you believe in wheels of energy along the spine or not, it still has emblematic significance. The heart chakra is the center from which compassion radiates, and whether you connect with that via a belief in a wheel of energy, or connection to a higher being, or just the general notion of the golden rule, it really doesn't matter. The important thing is that we are full of love, and we can choose to let it go. But when our love goes out to others... it doesn't just transform them (and sometimes it isn't well received at all and does the intended recipient no good whatsoever) but us also. When you give love, you grow your own, but I think the fear is that if you give love, you'll be depleted. People will use you up.

I'll be real for a moment and admit that it isn't so easy. There have been times when I've given love only to get burned. And probably there have been times when someone's given me love and I burned them. I've had fear-based reactions that have caused me to keep people at arm's length. It's something we have to work at daily, keep peeling back those layers of fear and mistrust. And we have to check ourselves, too, make sure we aren't giving anyone a reason to fear or mistrust us. It would be an error to think that we could all just wake up tomorrow and decide to live in peace. We have so much to both relearn and unlearn first. It's like we're all suffering a cumulative stroke that has rendered a very essential part of our being damaged. Healing isn't sudden. It isn't miraculous. It takes work, patience through the set backs and frustrations. But I hope that, since I'm a day late on this, that everyone did take a moment to think about peace and love yesterday, to give a little extra, let a little extra in.

Think about this: What is it, really, that holds you separate from the rest of the world? SKIN. Skin and only skin. About 2 tiny mm of flesh hold your blood and bones and organs back from the rest of the world. But are you your blood and bones and organs? Or are you something more? And if you believe you're something more... can that something more really be contained by 2mm of skin? We aren't as separate as we imagine. We're in an open system here. Whether we like it or not, we're in an open system physically and spiritually. Physically, we take in food, water, air, and put out waste, carbon dioxide, physical warmth. Spiritually, we take in attitudes and thoughts, transform them a bit inside, and put something else back out into the world. I'm focusing on the spiritual here. We may not have a lot of control on what we take in or the inevitability of putting something else back out, but we are transformers. We control the middle process. We can take what we're given and change it according to what we want to see, to what the world needs.

Remember... a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

Una mezcla

21 September 2011

So, I'm slowly getting things figured out over here. It's confusing, but I felt a lot more myself last night after finding my way into the student weight lifting gym and working out there. I am not going into a lot of details about it for various reasons, but suffice it to say that it wasn't what I expected and I am some kind of veritable anomaly. The caretaker basically tried to tell me 'girls don't go here,' and a group of guys actually counted my push-ups out loud. Yes, I can do decline push-ups and still have long, blood-red fingernails. Anyway, it's a place to work out. I think I will make friends there eventually, because it seems very small and like only the same regulars frequent the place. Also, they play songs I know. That's good, because I normally like to dance between sets. Lol... as if I need another way to make myself look like a psycho... I remember this summer going to the Rec with some girlfriends, being in the "meat-head's" weight room and always toting around my little brightly-colored Coach bag at the same time. Whatever. I'm half mental. So what? Shit, I'd have to be to tear off to Spain without someone to meet me in the airport, not knowing what dorm I was even supposed to go to, and having no real clue about the bus system. Whatever. I'm here.

Getting my schedule ironed out here has been confusing. For those of you who are familiar with the United States universities' scheduling systems... this is way different. Putting together a functioning schedule takes hours, because... the same class can be at different times on different days. For example, the class I went to this morning at noon is also held on Mondays from 11-1 and Thursdays 11-12. So... try to find five classes that don't conflict with each other on a schedule like that. >:(

That said, I really like my apartment here. It's pretty nice for university living. It's me and another girl, Juana, who has turned out to be a superb roommate, living in a space with two bedrooms, a bathroom, a living room, and a kitchen. So we have plenty of space, which is nice.

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 25 now. Something about that number has a weird weight to it that I can't decide if I like or not. I think here it's OK to be irresponsible and party-crazy longer, so I guess I don't have to feel like too much of a moron if I go out for a night... lol, if I can even hang. I'm a bit of a cantankerous old woman in spirit. When I wake up in the morning, I promptly waddle stiff-backed to the percolator (coffee pot at home), take a hot shower to iron out the kinks in my back, groan through breakfast, and go to bed by midnight. These 4-7 am party marathons have me a little intimidated. I haven't done that since I was about 18 or 19 and running around with some crazy half-Catholic breed known as "Camp Tygart counselors." It was kind of a bummer to be here on my bday, just because I don't have any of my friends or family around. But my roommate and two of her friends were so sweet to me. They got me a dessert shots cake, put candles on it, and sang happy birthday to me. That made me a little emotional, as I tend to be sometimes.

Anyway, I have scheduling things to tend to and a run to go on. Sorry for not being too good about posting lately. I've been a little overwhelmed.

First Run in Valladolid

This evening I went for my first run around Valladolid. I ran about 45 minutes and did a 3 minute walking cool down back to the apartment, so I would say I got a fair amount of cardio. I located the weight training area, but I'm a little nervous that according to the sign it's only open for forty-five minutes and just one day a week. However, a guy I ran into in the kickboxing club facility (I just jogged right in) told me that they are open more frequently than that. I hope so, because if I have class or something else at the time the facility is open, I'll never get to lift. That, and since I normally work out for about an hour and a half on weights, three times a week... that means I'm down to 1/6 of my usual volume. I'm have a fitness-freak freak out. Nonetheless, I am working on plans for me not to lose strength and muscle while I'm here. On the plane rides to get here, I picked up a copy of the most recent Shape magazine, and there are some good, quick strength and cardio circuits in there that I can do right here in the apartment. Tonight after my run, I came back and repeated the following circuit twice through:

50 alternating back lunges
20 push ups (I've really lost volume in this area since I've given up my goal of doing 100 in a row.)
50 crunches with my legs up a chair

Fairly balanced, I got some upper and lower body, core. The most mentally challenging part of figuring out exercises to do here without much equipment is upper back. I can do a million push ups if I want, but that's not going to get upper back. I need to be pulling something, and while I can push off the floor, there's really no good way to pull on it. That's OK. I think I have an idea that will be reminiscent of days playing farmgirl on my dad's Wheel Horse. Check back tomorrow for my "weighted backpack" routine. ;)

Good health and happiness to all!

Made it

I haven't posted for awhile because my interwebs got disconnected a few days before I left for Spain. Speaking of Spain, I'm here now. Getting here was stressful, I'm not going to lie. The short layovers and just the sheer size and layout of the Madrid airport really threw me for a loop. I'm missing John and Jupiter but trying to remind myself I'm lucky to have love at home instead of just dwelling on the fact that I'm far away now. In a few days, I believe it will be fine. I will have a roommate tomorrow; tonight I'm alone. My first real act in the apartment was to take a bath. Epic fail. The water pressure is super high, and since the shower runs through one of those nursing home style hoses, it got loose, fell to the ground, and shot water up my nose. That's why I gave up and just filled the tub. But the spigot for the tub shot out orange water, even after I let it run for several minutes, so I just held onto the hose thing and filled up that way. I'm really tired and don't feel like recounting every detail of a stressful trip. The point is, it was rough, I did it, I'm here. I hiked to the market and bought an ethernet cord, and now I have interwebs. It's amazing how much you can suddenly miss things like a phone and internet. After multiple failed attempts at calling home, all I wanted was internet and skype. Who knew it would be so difficult to get it? Anyway, I should go to bed. After being awake for somewhere between 36 and 48 hours, I'm too exhausted to clean just now. Want to have things straightened up when my roommate gets here tomorrow. Sigh, I just feel so much better having John closeby with Skype and Facebook. We all get a little sucked into technology sometimes, but it's making my life easier right now.

Like Maple Trees

Ten years ago today I was in eighth grade. I was sitting in algebra class. The seniors in the back row were probably preparing spit wads to launch at me through cafeteria straws. I was working out the values of multi-variable equations, and as usual Mr. Vanscoy was watching the news. I wasn't paying much attention to what was going on around me. We were free to work or not work in that class; our ex-military instructor was nearing retirement and was burned out on trying. I usually worked. Absorption in a textbook was a less hostile environment for a nerdy eighth grader than trying to communicate with upperclassmen. So I was absorbed in my work, probably plotting the slope of a line or something... anyway, I remember looking up at the tv and seeing some tall things smoking. Since we lived on the Ohio River, I figured it was footage of some smoke stacks at the local plants to demonstrate the economic power of America. I was disinterested and continued plotting graphs. Later that day at lunch, a few kids were going home early per their parents' demands. I was confused but still not incredibly interested. I stayed the whole day, ending with band practice. My band teacher, who was younger then than I am now, caught me in the hall after school and burst into a fit of hot tears. Her face turned lobster-pink, and she was going on and on about people she knew in New York and something about high blood pressure. By the end of the day I finally had it figured out what had happened. Like many Americans, I suppose, for a good while after the attacks, every time a plane went over head, I shuddered. I was afraid. I was not unaffected, and yet...

there's a lot of hype going on today, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to put together all the disparate pieces of information I'm receiving. "God bless America, prayers for my country..." "Well... I was proud to be an American before we turned a disaster into propaganda and launched a fear-based crusade against the middle eastern countries..." I don't know what to believe, and it's such a hot potato topic. People get angry at each other for believing one way or the other, either that America was the victim but rose up strong in its own defense and the defense of others or that it's a conspiracy and that the proliferation of 9-11 footage is little more than propaganda. I never believe anything I hear on the news just because it's on the news, but I don't immediately discredit it either. I feel there is no way to know the truth, no way to fashion an appropriate posture toward the events and how they should be remembered. But I think that for all of us the best answer is just simple kindness. Sow seeds of love- prepare a meal for someone, call your grandma, hold a door for somebody, smile at someone who looks sad. That's our best security in this world, human kindness, not armed defenses, but it's not easy to come by. Human kindness has to be planted, and tended to, until it gradually starts growing up all around. People have to be able to trust that their acts of kindness aren't going to ultimately be taken for acts of foolishness. And it's hard to take that first step, be the one to start a chain reaction that might fizzle out, might not mean much, hard to be a person who gives out good and has no idea what they'll receive in return, whether goodness in kind or a kick in the back.

The thing is, what matters most, is planting the seeds. Think of a maple tree, all the seeds it produces year after year to hopefully, possibly, yield just one or two more trees reaching up towards the heavens. The reality is, the majority of those seeds do fall and perish. But sometimes, when the winds and soil are just right, a tree starts to grow, and from the Earth it reaches skyward... a little reminder to each of us of the rewards of persistence.

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.
-Buddha