Even spazzes can make pie!

Nothing too much has happened today, so I thought I'd bust out this post that I've been saving for about a month now, since before I left Morgantown. This one is about baking... a mixed berry cobbler.

When I'm in the kitchen, I tend not to follow recipes, for the same reason I don't assemble things from a box: I have no patience. Neither do I write my recipes down, but here's some of what you need to get started:



Crisco, flour, rolling pin, ice water, sugar, berries, a mixing bowl (but a certain naughty wifey BROKE my bowl, so I had to use the pot instead), tapioca, and a pan to put it all in. I also wound up using lemon juice, but anyway...

So first, mix up your dough. I would tell you how to do this, but I tend to just through unmeasured quantities of flour and Crisco into a bowl (pot) and commence mashing it up with my fists. (Normally my ratio is 2:1 flour to Crisco, and since I make a thick crust, I'd say 4ish cups and 2ish.) In my opinion, trying to mix it with a spoon or mashed potato masher is a waste of time. Eventually, you will have to get your hands dirty anyway, so might as well plunge right in. Once your dough is mixed, (don't forget to add 8 tbsp of ICE water once it's mixed... this is crucial) it's time to roll it out. First, divide it into two sections. What you have to remember is, one of the sections is going to be the top crust, and one is going to be the bottom. Since the bottom crust has to cover more surface area (has to go up the sides of the pan), you should appropriate a greater volume of the dough for the bottom crust.



The trickiest part of this whole process is probably rolling out the crusts. Let's keep in mind that what we've essentially made here is a giant blob of adhesive. It likes to stick to stuff. Keeping in mind that flour sticks to water, clean your counter or table off first and be sure it is CoMpLeTeLy dry before you proceed. Then cover your hands in flour, cover the dough blob in flour, hoist it up over your head and slam that sucker down with as much force as possible. (You think I'm trying to be funny here, but I'm serious. Spheres, when smashed, make circles, and since we're trying to make a circular crust here... this is a good first step.) Pat the once spherical blob and make a circle. When you can't get it to spread out anymore, pick it up, reflour the table, reflour the blob (as my great grandma used to say, don't be afraid to use your flour. It keeps stuff from sticking.), and begin again. Eventually patting won't work, and you'll have to move to the rolling pin. Keep in mind that as you're patting and rolling, you are also inadvertently applying pressure to the dough, which is making it so on the underside, the area you just covered with flour is becoming less and less, and more Crisco-rich stuff is now starting to stick to the table. In other words, don't roll or pat too much on one side before flipping it over. Once you're done with that, the absolutest hardest part is next: the table to pan transfer. At this point your crust is large and thin. Dough residue is sticking to the table. Your crust has absorbed more flour, so it's dryer now, easier to crack. So, in whatever fashion you can manage, peel the crust from the table and place it in the pan.

If it cracks or breaks in half, no worries, you can use your pie band-aids. I always keep a small amount of dough back and hold it off to the side so that when I, most likely, break the crust, I can make a band-aid for it. If you need to make a band-aid, just pinch off some dough, stick your finger in the ice water, rub the part of the crust that's broken with your wet finger, and stick on the patch. Voila!

Normally, I keep things simple and use a pre-made pie filling from Cracker Barrel. I like the blackberry one and refuse to eat peach, apple, or cherry pie. Also, pumpkin pie is disgusting. Anyway... having tried other brands' berry filling in the past, I knew it wouldn't suffice and so set off to have a go at making my own. This was a first for me, but it worked out fine. So don't be afraid to try it.

Here's what I did:


Put in whatever berries you like. I have in this pot fresh blackberries, fresh blue berries, and frozen strawberries and raspberries. So... I was going to make an all fresh blackberry cobbler, but then when I was picking out my hair dye at WalMart, I spilled half of them on the floor. I paid for what I spilled but didn't feel like going all the way back to the fruit section just to have the same thing happen again. I figured I'd just go home and find a way to manage. So, the berries are in the pot. Then I put some water in the pot... like a centimeter deep... not too much or it'll get runny. Stew the fruits down. It'll start to get runny. Don't panic. You have to put flower, sugar, and tapioca in the filling anyway and that thickens it right up. Just stick with it 'til you get the right consistency. I don't know if people *normally* put lemon juice in their pie filling, but when I did the stick-my-finger-in-the-pot-and-taste test, it seemed too sweet. So I squirted lemon juice in it. OK, so now you have everything... crust, filling. So put the filling in the crust, ding dong.



Roll out your top crust. Throw it on top. Smoosh the edges together. You can choose to make pretty little thumb prints or not. Then use a knife and poke holes in the top crust to vent the pie. Now, don't go getting too stab happy and puncture your bottom crust as well. I'm thinking that might make things stick. No good!!! Put some sugar on top to make it pretty and just to reassure everyone you really don't care what this is doing to your butt and throw it in the oven at 425 degrees. Leave it at that temp for about 20 min, then cut it back by about 50 and leave in for another half hour, approximately. Don't just set a timer and walk away, because you need to watch for when the crust is brown. And now you have a delicious homemade cobbler. Yay, you! Important: you must now brew coffee and bust out the French vanilla ice cream and serve it a la mode. :)