Something I've always prided myself in is my general adaptability. Usually, I can function in a lot of diverse situations. I don't feel like expanding, so you'll have to take my word for it. However, I feel like I've been challenged by coming here to Spain. I made it through Jamaica and Bolivia without any culture shock and really... without any travel sickness. We're talking third world countries that I was just dandy with. Then I get here, Europe, all modern and updated, and I'm up at three in the morning with travel sickness and I'm experiencing a lot of culture shock. I just haven't been very adaptable, and I have to ask myself why. (This may be lengthy and introspective, so if that bores you, you may want to stop reading now.) I think the main difference is I didn't have any real expectations about Jamaica or Bolivia, just that they would be different from what I was used to. By contrast, I think I expected Spain to be a lot more similar to what I am used to, just because it is a first world country and very modernized. So when things were less similar than I thought they would be, I started to subconsciously dig my heels in... a lot.
For one thing, I expected that I would be teaching right off the bat. That's sort of what I was most excited to do, that, and to just talk to people in Spanish. My main purpose here is to improve my spoken Spanish. As it went, the most important thing for me to do when I got here was to register for classes. I knew I'd be taking some, but I didn't know it was going to be quite this much. And it's not like the work load is heavy; it's just... well, I was thinking in class today of something a poet friend once said to me at Baristas about terminating his formal education after two masters degrees (and I think a doctorate as well): "It came to a point where school was getting in the way of my learning." That's sort of how I've been feeling, like I'm here to learn Spanish, learn to SPEAK it well. I can usually understand whatever is said to me, and I can read and write OK, but my speech is really lacking. I can't really talk in class, because... another culture shock for me... there isn't much discourse in the classes. The student's role is to sit and listen, take notes, absorb knowledge. Everything in me is raging against that whole idea while I sit there and try not to get myself all whipped into an outraged frenzy (for those who don't know me super, super well... I tend to be angry a lot even though I act pretty mellow). I'm thinking: I want to give my opinion now! How do you know if we're learning if you don't ask questions... that you don't answer yourself two seconds later?! Why am I in a first year class when I'm working on my master's degree?! Why isn't there a textbook?! I don't believe it just because you say it! I want references! Basically: I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND AND MY BRAIN IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!! So the whole lack of text books, the reliance on what the professor says, and student silence have been shockers to me. (By the end, I'm going to get to why this is all OK, so hang with me while I expound a little more of what's been burning up my neurons.)
The internet has been making me just... totally insane. Maybe I'm spoiled; I don't know. But I'm used to when the internet goes down, someone is working on it stat, because we all know how important it is to keep customers satisfied and thinking we've got things under control. Here, it goes out for two days at a time. I get on the wireless, and things keep timing out while pages are loading. The first night I got here, I was already desperately freaking out and homesick and walked to the store in the dark... my first night... and got a cable so I could log on. As soon as I was able to be on the internet, see my friends still on facebook, talk to John, I felt soothed, calmed. It's like John said, it's become a lifeline. And in my life, it's been something I could count on to be consistently available. A lot of my life revolves around the internet, so it's been a shocker to me not to be able to get online sometimes. Well, what else am I going to do with my time?...
I don't have my drums here. I don't have my piano here. I don't even have my Zumba music or hand weights. There's no oven, so I can't bake. And if you know me, you know I'm like psychotically active. Trying to entertain myself without any of my toys, when there is no internet, and I'm lonely... it's not pretty. I bought myself a sketchpad and some pencils at the Wal-mart equivalent here, and that's helped some. But it's just an example of how different... my personal life... is here.
And then there's John. And our life together. I miss him, of course. I'm a very difficult to live with, difficult to deal with, anal creature of habit. This is what I am used to: wake up to John waking me up because I can't get up on my own (have to now). Roll around in pain because of my back and whine for him to make me coffee. (That doesn't work now.) Refuse to get out of bed until I at least hear the coffee percolating. Waller around being a general mess in the morning, until it's time to leave. Then John drops me off at school, and I fly out of the car, hair going crazy, spilling my coffee, dropping papers into the street, trying to pick them up without flashing my underwear to everyone, and making it to wherever I'm going just 30 seconds before I'm actually late, and totally disheveled. As well as I think I deal with stress in the big picture... like... I'll plod on forever no matter how much stuff sucks... from moment to moment I tend to just be a total spaz. Freaking out. Most of the time. But because John's in town, and we both have phones, I just call him and tell him what's going on, and he says, it'll be OK, Cat. No, you're not stupid. And then I feel better and move on with my day. Then after the day is done, I meet him at Brooks Hall, and we walk to his car, and we go home together. We do our individual "evening activities," which might be me going to the gym or teaching Zumba or running while he works on his thesis or cleans (because he's my wifey and he likes it) or goes on a jog at the Rail Trail. And finally, we go to bed, and I have someone to rub my back and just... be attentive to me. So, now it's all different. I have to depend on myself (which is probably good for awhile) a lot more, do more "self-soothing" instead of waiting for John to make me think it's all fine or just making hideous faces at me until I forget what inane thing I was pointlessly panicking over and just start laughing hysterically and chasing him around the trailer trying to hit him... or wrestling. I have to tuck my own stupid self into bed (before you judge this, please be aware that I do have a lot of chronic back pain and like to just get into a tolerable position for the night and then let someone else put the blankets on me so I don't tangle myself up and have to spend 20 minutes readjusting... which... I really do.), although I do still get my story sometimes, when Skype is working. Damn, I really demand a lot of attention. Like I said, I'm not easy to be/deal with.
And for all that... the energy absorption thing that I do... I've also always really loved to help other people. And in some facet of my daily life, I've almost always been able to do that. But I'm kind of experiencing a little bit of what I felt my freshman year of college, when I was overwhelmed (I know this sounds so stupid, but...) by the lack of chores. When I did my laundry, it was literally MY laundry. My dad's work pants weren't in the mix. Mom's dishtowels. Carly's stuff. Running the laundry no longer helped anyone but me. And when I went to college, like coming here, I also had to scale back on teaching fitness. Both in high school and later on in college, I got used to being able to share that aspect of wellness and vibrancy with people, and that really meant something to me. But freshman year, like now... I was working out by myself. No one was benefiting but me, and that was bothersome. And since I'm not teaching fitness now, and I'm not teaching academically now... I'm like... how can I perform service? I don't know where I got the idea that I should do that, but I feel like... it's just always been part of me. I've always found it incredibly difficult to imagine a life of just focusing on what I want out of life. My question has always been more, what SHOULD I do with my life? What can I do that will benefit everyone the most? But I am in no position to help anyone with anything right now. And it just feels... strange. I get excited over stupid things (by the way, I was never actually *excited* about coming here, glad, maybe, but not excited. I only get excited over little things.) like taking the garbage out because my roommate has a broken foot and is crutching around, and I like to think it helps her. I met up with a guy today to practice our languages. He's from here, and he's trying to improve his English. Even though he was helping me, too, I was just so pumped up I could help him for like 40 minutes with his English. That's how bizarre I feel over here really just taking care of me, myself, and I, and not really having anyone else to consider. It's strange/hard for me to handle all this time just focusing on myself, but I do think it's important at the moment.
So there are a lot of other shocking things, too... professors being 45 minutes late to pre-arranged meetings, administration totally ignoring my emails, not getting important details... oh, and parties that go on til 7 am. This might sound ridiculous to people who naturally like to party, but I am actually working with myself to go out, stay out, and engage in conversation with people. Generally, I go where I'm going, look around, have a drink, dance a bit, go home. If I don't already know people, I'm not much of a social butterfly. That's *probably* why my spoken Spanish is so lacking. So I'm trying. I'm going to parties. I'm talking to folks. And I'm even having fun with it.
Overall, I feel like I'm coming to terms with the culture-shock portion of this venture. I mean, there are still a lot of things I'm not used to, but I think after sleeping well last night and acquiring some medicine for my cold today at the pharmacy, I'm generally feeling better and more ready to handle things. I'm even maybe *finally* excited for this adventure (I wasn't before I came, but then me being me, I wouldn't be). I'm meeting cool people. I am getting a lot of language experience. And I'm adjusting to the way classes work. I have gotten back into a regular fitness routine. I go to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday or Friday. I run at least three times a week, and generally... I'm starting to get a handle on things. This weekend I think I'm going to Madrid for a night with a new friend I made here, so... all in all, I think it's good I've experienced this brain crash. I'll build new mental structures and be stronger for it.
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