Love and Pizza

Well, Happy New Year, all! I really haven't kept up with this thing but decided to post this morning. There are two holidays throughout the year that always give me pause and make me think... Thanksgiving and New Year's. Never hurts to think of what you're thankful for nor to look forward to a new year with hope. I am waking up to coffee and three of my favorite people still asleep here in the trailer. I rang in the new year with old friends and was dancing Danza Kuduro shortly after the ball dropped, so I'm thinking... this oughtn't be too bad.
So... looking back to 2011. In January I was working on my second semester of graduate school. I was teaching my second round of students how to speak basic Spanish and continuing to teach my fitness classes. In 2011 I taught at Healthworks, CRH, and CTA. It was a year of Bollywood and Zumba. I met some great girls doing that Bollywood performance, and the music, movement, and warmth did a lot for my heart. I started participating in the Morgantown drum circle, and that has been great. I love just making unplanned music with people, and I love that I've made new friends doing it. As with every year, I spent a lot of time kayaking around Cheat Lake in the summer with Joe. That is always excellent. For the first time in maybe ever, I had some steady workout pals in 2011. Was much more motivating and fun to have Arty, Rachel, and Emily around. Somewhere in the spring I learned I would be going to Spain. It wasn't so much an option as it was... as soon as it was presented, I knew I would be going. I was scared and excited, scared to be leaving John for the better part of nine months straight, excited to FiNaLlY get that immersion opportunity... and the opportunity to go figure out how to be strong on my own. What else about 2011? Well, I think I continued to improve at finding that ever elusive ideal of balance. I didn't get all A's in 2011, but I stayed healthy and maintained friendships and other interests, as well. I played a little more piano than I had in recent past years, and I don't regret that at all. I learned what a bonafide pain in the ass getting a student visa and temporary residency card for Spain is, but in the end, I pulled myself crying off of John at the gate of the Pittsburgh airport and flew away for awhile. Landing in Spain was overwhelming in many ways, and the first segment of this adventure has been largely about adjustment... adjustment to hearing more of a language other than my native tongue on a regular basis, adjustment to a new roommate, to being really, truly alone. Walking into the first meeting with the other instructors was intense. Most everyone was 20ish years older than me and speaking really fast Spanish. But eventually I settled into it, and I've made some good friends in Valladolid. I've traveled to Granada, Madrid, and Rome with those friends. So 2 major items can be checked off the bucket list now- visiting Italy and going off and living abroad for awhile. I'm getting stronger. I feel it a little more every day. I don't mean in the gym- I mean, I'm coping better with life. There's something about going off and learning to deal with being really and truly alone and then making friends you know you aren't going to see much if ever again beyond the 9-month stint you all have in a foreign country together. You learn to live in the moment. Every day you get up and get moving and don't let the fear consume you, you've accomplished something, and that necessity... to just make it... sort of forces you to celebrate the small victories.
ALSO in 2011... we got Jupiter!!! I love that cat. After Artemis I thought no pet could be as special as she was (it's hard to compete with a cat that goes swimming in the bathtub and births her kittens right by your head in the middle of the night), but Jupiter has been awesome. He puts us to bed, he wakes us up, and he is the most affectionate cat I've ever had or known. Also, the cute factor makes me feel like my head is going to explode on a frequent basis.
Oh yeah... I was working at Barnes and Noble again in 2011, May to August. It was good to have the opportunity to be back there. I really love that place. It's been one of the best work environments I've ever been in, mostly because of the people. Everyone there is interesting and warm. Plus, I really love using the espresso machine. If being a barista paid more than minimum wage, I don't think I would feel a need to do anything else with my life.
At the beginning of 2011, I set some goals for myself. I think it's odd to call it a resolution, as if there is something unresolved. That sort of.. makes it sound negative from the get go. Anyway, I had decided that 1. I would be able to do 100 push ups straight by the end of the year, 2. I would find a natural solution to my chronic back pain, 3. I would get to a point where I could be accepting of myself and just let myself live without feeling some deep-down need to apologize for who I am, and 4. I really don't remember what 4 was, so clearly it wasn't important. I still cannot do 100 push ups in row. I think I got to about 42 consecutive push ups in March or April before I decided I was tired of doing push ups and that it didn't matter. Being a fitness instructor, I was also concerned about over-training my chest muscles without balancing it in the back, and as I didn't have time to incorporate 100 rear flies or the like in every workout and still be able to meet my other fitness goals (because my outlook is that I get fit to live, not the other way around and I'm never going to spend 2+ hours a day in the gym, unless I'm teaching that many classes), I decided to let it go. It doesn't matter. I don't feel that I've majorly disappointed myself. I have continued to stay active and healthy, and that's what really counts. I haven't found a way for my back not to hurt either. It isn't debilitating, so it's not a huge deal. Regular exercise seems to be the most helpful thing. Clearly, yoga would be most useful, but sometimes you have to be real... I am not at a place in my life anymore where I can spend 30 to 60 minutes calmly alone on my mat. I've tried to force it. It doesn't happen. I don't feel Zen, I feel like jumping out of my skin. I'd try to reset this goal for 2011, but I know I won't follow it. Right now, it's just forcing something that is unnatural to me so whatever. As for #3, I would say that I'm definitely a lot more OK with me than I was at the beginning of the year. I don't know how to explain this really... I probably put more pressure on myself than other people put on me. I just have a tendency to be places doing things and worrying... who I'm not with or taking care of or being present to as I "should." I'm a wanderer in more ways than one. My location and ideas are always changing, and I guess I got to a point where I decided I wasn't allowed to change anymore so that growth got uncomfortable. There's been some level of guilt for thinking this and not that and just for being a mover. I feel that some people would like for me to just hold still, quit fidgeting through life, but there is just so damn much out there. If I want to be kayaking, I'm going kayaking. If I want to fly off to another country, I'm going to fly off to another country (so interesting that this was a thought even before I knew Spain was an option), if I want to believe that a lot of the lies we feed ourselves are bullshit, I'm just going to believe it. I'm not going to cut myself down for not believing in fairy tales or for not being moved by things the majority of others find to be so fascinating. For crying out loud, I visited the Sistine Chapel in December, and I was standing there thinking about pizza. I looked around, tried to get wowed, but I thought... what would really wow me is some pizza. I guess this just seems to be such an illustrative example of the way I function. I mean... I'm into art. But I'm into art the way I'm into music and food and dance. I don't care too much for training or standing in awe of what's already been created (not to say I don't appreciate what's been created), I would much rather be in the process of creating. And I guess when I'm sitting at a table in the Vatican city having a piece of pizza, folks buzzing all around me, I feel I'm tasting and feeling the life of the people so much more than when I'm looking at some paintings. The Sistine Chapel was beautiful. The paintings were great. I preferred sitting at the Trevi Fountain, stuffing my face with pizza and gelatto, observing as people walked to the fountain, coins in hand, making their wishes. I wondered what their wishes were. I love piano. I don't love researching dead composers or learning theory. I like to sit and play and hear the sounds that are coming from within my self. I like when other people play for or near me. I like the fact that their souls are coming out in sound and filling the air around us. The most moving experiences I had in Madrid were passing by a stringed quartet that was playing in the street at night... it just moved me the way there was no reason for them to be there other than they just wanted to fill up the air with music. And it enhanced the quality of the evening for thousands of people passing by that night. It's a beautiful thing. And then... the next day, walking towards the city center and a Hindu band was chanting prayers about Krishna as they walked along playing drums. I woman in a white saree handed out naan (sp) as they walked by. And I love food. I don't love fancy shit that costs more than I make in a week. I love the process of food, preparing it, preferably with other people, smelling it as its cooking, listening to the grease popping, the fan going, and finally savoring it. Yes, you can savor a cheap plate of homemade spaghetti. Dance... I love dance. I dance all the time, in my head, in my room, in Zumba, in the club. I haven't had much training... I had that one semester of ballet, and I was genuinely good at it, but it lacked something for me... I thought it was a fascinating idea, everyone sort of dressed in anonymous leotards, even their hair conforming to a dress code, the only thing differentiating one ballerina from another being their actual bodies and manner of movement. But, for me, it didn't seem anything was being danced but the training itself there. I love to go out and just go crazy dancing, and yeah, I look like a fool but I don't care. I love to choreograph my own bits for Zumba, and I love more than anything when my choreography is well received, danced by 20 people at a time, smiling, sweating, and setting themselves free for an hour. It's beautiful and it makes me high. I guess that's the cool thing about dance fitness and teaching it... I'm under no obligation to incorporate technical moves I know nothing about. As long as I make people sweat, I'm in the clear. If I can weave something a little more, the better. And I guess I had some anxiety over feeling the same way about my engagement. John and I have been engaged for four years. People are always asking, have you set a date, when are you getting married, are you even getting married? It makes me feel like my head is going to fall off. We're together. We live together, we share a life, a cat, and our bills. This has been going on for a good while. It sounded so weird to hear people congratulating us on our engagement as if NOW it counted, NOW it was real, NOW we could rest. I'm not a fairy tale person. I have been through and seen too much shit to ever go for fairy tales. I like to keep it very real. What makes John and me strong as a couple isn't some fantasy love story... nope... the shit we've been through, I really am not at liberty to disclose it all, but it's been rough, and getting through it... that's what's made us. We've seen and experienced enough that finding a job, graduating, purchasing a car here soon... seems like small potatoes, and also like sitting down to a dinner at home together or with family and friends, peacefully, is really something to celebrate and not to be overlooked. Whatever. I just know all that's going to be fine and don't care too much. I can live happily on minimum wage, and while I'm not glorifying poverty, what I am saying is that... there's a lot of stuff that we worry about that just does not matter. And being where I've been, I know it's all going to be fine. So I guess my view is just that... marching me down an aisle all clad in some white dress like a f------- porcelain doll for everyone to gawk and and take pictures of is so non representative of anything in our relationship. I'm pretty sure that if we had some formal reception or dinner, we'd try hard to behave but ultimately fail by making some off-color, perverse, or generally disgusting joke or comment. So... why bother? We are what we are, and I don't want to pretend we are something we aren't. And I have no idea, in retrospect, why I would have ever felt guilty about that, or about being someone who thinks about scoring some pizza when I should be appreciating the art in the Sistine Chapel. To me it makes sense and doesn't detract from my experience of life, rather makes it richer. We all have our own experience, and mine is what it is. I'm not making any apologies. I've made progress this year, and I'm glad of it.
In 2012, my goal will be simply to love more. Sometimes I'm a little retentive about being very open or warm with people. The thing is, I didn't used to be. I was the most out-reaching, deep down true loving sort of person, and then I realized... I sort of freak people out. I'm an intimate soul, and I just don't care about the new dress and matching heels you just bought, the new car, and DEFINITELY NOT your damn iPhone or Mac computer. I want you to sit down, tell me who you are, and let me love you. Yup, I'm just like that with everyone. It is so instinctual for me to just want to know everything about you, whoever you are, from the first time we talk. And then I want to let you know you're fascinating and fabulous and that I love you. I am like a dog. And I guess I understand why that's off putting to some folks. I really don't like when I go to someone's house and their dog is jumping on me, their little hard toe nails digging into my pant legs. And maybe I can learn and back off and try not to overwhelm people, but I have gone too far in the other direction, very rigidly maintaining my distance and being a little too conscientious about not being "awkward" or making people "uncomfortable." And probably the constant rejection of my hyper bouncing version of immediate affection for everyone I ever met made me timid. It's just such a natural state of being for me that when everyone else wasn't the same way, I was confused. When people didn't immediately want to call me back, hang out again, or generally be my friend, it made me rather depressed. And it has been such a process, coming down from that high, innocent love of someone who was very late indeed in learning that most people just aren't like that. At first, I was just incredibly disappointed in people, in human nature. I couldn't understand, in a world where everyone is so craving love, why people didn't give it a little more freely. Why was everyone so anal retentive about giving a little heart and soul to people? Why not just let it go? Anyway, I'm just quite tired of talking with a filter in my mouth. If I want to tell you you're a beautiful person, I'm just going to say it and not worry too much if you look at me like I just bit a scorpion's butt. I want to just let it go. It doesn't help me, and it doesn't help you if I'm only being as sincere as polite society permits. So I'm sorry if I scare you. I'll try not to jump on you when you walk through the door. I'll try to be that dog that walks to the door but doesn't jump, that sits at your feet and eventually sits beside you once you've relaxed... like an old retriever maybe... but... Dear Universe and People who live in it, I do not want to stop loving you. Loving you keeps me alive, and sometimes you just have to trust that what you're doing is what you're meant to be doing. 2012... live in love, you beautiful people.